We all have one.
It creeps into every great idea, every new exciting project, every opportunity to shine, and every social gathering. I'm talking about your inner judge. That aspect of you that is wired to keep you safe. So safe in fact that it will let you down, make false promises, keep you small, and speak unimaginable cruelty to you.
The most successful people have one. The most confidant people have one. The most talented people have one. So the good thing is that you're not alone. The unfortunate thing is that it wreaks havoc on your self-esteem and your capacity to show up for yourself (and others).
Behind every low or heavy state of being is your inner judge. That's right. Be it anxiety, fear of failure, overwhelm, depression, frustration, anger, or self-doubt. It is behind your confusion and your yearning for relief, peace of mind, and happiness.
Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is an indicator. It tells us what we have to do. The more scared we are of a task or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it." Steven Pressfield
Resistance is directly proportional to flow. To the degree that you are resisting what is good for your evolution, is to the degree that there is a sense of stuckness in that area of your life. Flow requires non-resistance to create momentum, growth, positive outcomes, and transformation. Your inner judge is your resistance.
What is this inner judge?
Let's unpack it from a neuroscience perspective first. As a child, you would have encountered circumstances where you had little control and no rational mindset to self-soothe or solve the experience. What this created is a coping mechanism built to protect you, and protect you it did.
There are nine basic coping mechanisms, all of which feed your inner judge, colluding with it to help you deal with life's challenges. Your inner judge is the result of many years of protecting you from the "big, bad world" and relying on your most dominant coping mechanisms, thus developing a deeply etched neural pathway in the brain. Given that your brain chooses the path of least resistance, it will automatically choose the most used pathway, strengthening this inner judge further.
Your inner judge is now a tyrant, doing what it needs to do to ensure you remain in your comfort zone for the sake of surviving this "unsafe and threatening" world. It uses various tactics to do this, from questioning your worth, encouraging procrastination, or over-scanning all details in your environment in the form of hyper-vigilance or comparison.
From a spiritual standpoint, the strength of your inner judge is the difference between experiencing life as heaven or hell. It is based on fear. It's perspective is founded on paranoia. When we live from the operating system of the inner judge, we experience little to no ease, creativity, joy, or flow.
"No one else can ever make you feel inferior. Only your thoughts about yourself can do that." Martha Beck
How to know when the inner judge is rife
The inner judge is simple to detect as it...well...judges! Having said that, it can be very subtle and difficult to pin down. Reason being, we mostly believe that those thoughts and feelings are us and therefore we attach too quickly to the thought or feeling to question it. The key is self-observation.
Become aware that your thoughts and feelings are NOT who you are. You are experiencing a thought or emotion. You are the experiencer.
Your inner judge judges you, others, and your circumstances. The task here, and your key to liberation, is to become aware of these judgements within, even if you believe you are right. The need to be right is an act of the inner judge. In actuality, your inner judge creates any narrative that suggests you are superior to, inferior to, or separate from others.
I want to make it clear, at this point, to refrain from seeing this aspect of yourself as an enemy. It is not something to destroy or fight against. Doing this means you are judging your inner judge, and this only strengthens it. To weaken this distorted aspect of self starts with compassion and remaining present.
Here are some common symptoms to look out for if you are committed to releasing the power that your inner judge has over your life, your achievements, and your self-esteem.
Self-Criticism: Frequent negative self-talk, such as telling yourself you're not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. Resulting in self-abandonment.
Perfectionism: Setting impossibly high standards for yourself and feeling like a failure when you don't meet them; or imposing high expectations on others, feeling you need to fix them.
Procrastination: Delaying tasks because you're afraid of not doing them perfectly, because you are "not in the right mood," or because you fear being judged by others.
Overwhelming Guilt: Feeling excessively guilty for mistakes or perceived shortcomings, even when they're minor or inconsequential. Next to this, there is a need for people-pleasing.
Fear of Failure: Avoiding new opportunities or challenges because you're afraid of failing and confirming your self-doubts. This can create a sense of victimhood when things don't happen for you, causing you to give away your power.
Imposter Syndrome: Believing that your achievements are due to luck or deception and fearing being exposed as a fraud. That somehow, you've been misplaced and don't belong, so it is best to refrain from shining too brightly.
Comparison: Constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling inferior as a result. Notice your feelings when scrolling through social media, attending business meetings, listening to experts on a subject you specialise in, or attending social gatherings.
Difficulty Accepting Compliments: Brushing off or downplaying compliments and positive feedback from others. A subtle belief that shining may be a threat to others and wanting to therefore avoid being rejected.
Dwelling on Mistakes: Obsessively replaying your mistakes and failures in your mind, rather than learning from them and moving on. Or hyper-vigilance in planning ahead.
Low Self-Esteem: A persistent sense of low self-worth and a lack of confidence in your abilities. Emotions of shame, depression, or self-doubt can be prevalent here.
Avoidance of Risk: Choosing safe, familiar paths instead of taking risks that could lead to growth and new opportunities. Believing that the familiar is somehow less painful, but then dragging yourself down for not achieving your potential.
Physical Symptoms: Stress, anxiety, constriction, tension, or pain can manifest physically, causing headaches, fatigue, or other stress-related symptoms. Over time, these symptoms can lead to disease or mental afflictions.
"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do." Brené Brown
Stepping into presence as an antidote
The only way out is through, and the only way through is to be present. Your inner judge and presence cannot co-exist, therefore, strengthening your capacity to be present in your daily life is key. To do this, we move into the body.
Your body is always in the present moment, unlike your mind which flitters between past and future, so utilising your body is the quickest way through any heavy states of being. To do this, choose one sense and focus all of your attention on that one sense for at least twenty seconds.
When you sense the inner judge coming out to play, the first step is to not judge it. Simply label it, "judge" and then move into your body to find presence. Below are the quickest and simplest ways to find presence, according to neuroscience and mindfulness experts.
Sound: What is the furtherest sound you can hear. What is the closest sound you can hear. Is there any sound in between these? Focus on each of these individually.
Touch: Rub the finger tips of your right index and thumb together slowly. Focus intensely on this, feeling for the ridges of your fingerprints. Focus on this.
Breath: Notice your breathing. Become aware of the temperature of your in-breath versus the temperature of your out-breath. Focus on this.
Vision: Look up from whatever you're doing and find one thing in the room to look at, really look at. Notice the colour, the texture, the play of light and shadow, etc.
Choosing one of the above and practicing it at least four times per day is a great tool to weaken the inner judge, strengthen your resilience, and shift your operating system.
"Rule of thumb: The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more resistance we will feel toward pursuing it." Steven Pressfield
It's up to you
There is nothing limiting you in this world, bar your inner judge. Let me say this again and please let it be absorbed. There is nothing limiting you in this world, bar your inner judge. This is great news! It means all your suffering and lack of freedom is within your control.
I highly recommend working with a coach if you are committed to shifting your operating system, weakening your inner judge, and stepping into your authentic self. A coach can observe more than what you see or hear, like things unexpressed, your body language, your tone of voice, and other non-verbal cues.
Remember, the journey towards self-acceptance and empowerment is ongoing. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your momentum, and continue to nudge yourself beyond the limits imposed by your inner judge. The path forward is paved with self-love and resilience, and it's one worth taking for the sake of your dreams and personal growth.
